Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
