Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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