whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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