What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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