Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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