she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
