it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
