I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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