The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
