Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
