After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize