Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
