This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
