I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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