The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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