He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She's the barista slut.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
