u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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