and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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