Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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