I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
