It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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