I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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