The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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