Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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