Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
