2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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