when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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