you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
