we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
