I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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