I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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