taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
my poor anus
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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