i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize