All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
