tonight lets celebrate not being married
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
