its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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