you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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