My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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