if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
