He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
