Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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