Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
