I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
