k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
