I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
