we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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