Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
