I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
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