On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
