I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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