she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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