Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
it's like iHOP with fire
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
