Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
