Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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