Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
