Your mouth is God's brothel.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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