have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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