at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
