i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
