just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
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