Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He shit in the fireplace
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
