How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
