this just has baby written all over it
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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