I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
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