I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
