my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
