I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
